#84 - When the world says give up, hope whispers try it one more time.

I am currently experiencing a strong feeling of loss right now.

I got chosen for a Taekwondo Tournament.
I should be happy and be proud of myself that I got in.
Yet, I did something that no one could have done.
I raised up my hand and opted out of the tournament.

I don't know what got over me.
Maybe I feel that I can't cope with my studies with the extra trainings for the tournament.
Maybe I might cause my team to lose.Maybe I cannot do it.

And when the instructor asked me why I chose to opt out, I couldn't even answer.
I said I don't know and shrugged my shoulders.
And then after a moment of awkward silence, I left.

Then the sense of loss started overwhelming me.
I thought I'd be relieved when I left.
But somehow, I felt weird.
It seemed as though I lost something important.
And my heart felt so empty.

So I had mixed feelings.
I felt like rewinding back.
But when I thought of the tough trainings I got to face, my mind told me to back off again.
I pushed all these thoughts aside and went to meet my friend.

I made up my mind, I chose this myself.
I should not regret it.
So I comforted myself, telling myself that there will always be another time.

When I told my friend what happened, I was on the verge of tears.
I don't even know why.
I felt a little regretful.
So again, I tried to hide all these thoughts and try not to think about it.

Until...
My another friend called me and told me it's not too late to get back into the tournament.
And that no one will laugh at me for coming back.
Then the feeling of loss came back to me again.
I was in two minds, to go or not to go?

And then again, I can't believe I give up my last chance of being in the tournament.
I said that it is alright, I've made up my mind not to go already.
I told my friend to take my place instead.

That moment was ......... heartwrenching.
I really feel like breaking down.

And now I am confused.
Have I made the right choice?
Or have I wasted an opportunity that was presented to me?

Sigh, what's the point of brooding over it now?
I can't take anything I did back.
Oh, in case you're wondering whether I got promoted for Taekwondo.
Well, I did.
But mine wasn't double promotion.
Who cares? For the J1s, out of about 50plus students with white belts, only a girl got double promotion.
I am contented that I passed already.Anyway, I know my PW grouping already.
Raine, Shazwan, Kumar, Randy and I.
Okay okay lo.

Okay, I am ending this emo entry now.
Gonna numb myself by practising on Mathematics Questions, there's Lecture Test tomorrow.
And also to cry myself to sleep so that I will feel better.

I hope I'd feel better when I wake up tomorrow.