#173 -

Sometimes I wish I can just disappear.

Warning: Emo-ranting-wordy-ateenyweenybitofPROFANITY-entry ahead. Please do not read if you're not feeling bitchy like I do now.

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When I was young, Birthdays were considered special occasions to me. My memories of spending the day happily are still etched in my mind. Be it family gatherings, outings or holding parties. I used to think how it'd be cool if I could have birthdays everyday.

Then I grow up. I learnt that birthdays only come once a year. And so I really treasure how special a day like this is. Well, maybe some of you may think that chey, birthday only what, also nothing special, it's just like any other day lor.

But I beg to differ. To me, I think celebrating it is like celebrating another year of being on Earth, another year of knowledge, another year of learning about the greatest things and things you'd never know.

It is nice to know that your loved ones actually remember your birthday. Like just remembering it and wishing you a Happy Birthday is enough. I don't need present or gifts. It's the thought that counts.

At a young age, my family celebrated my birthday like it's my day. And this is also the reason why I think that birthdays are pretty meaningful.

But when I grow up, things change.

And there came friends, where they would send you well-wishings, give you presents and make the day even more lovely and special for you.

I always try my best to remember people's birthdays and then get them small gifts or do small actions like texting or calling them to send my well-wishings. I know how it would feel if someone close to you just forget your birthday and then apologise for doing so.

I am not ashamed to admit, but I often admire people who have large groups of friends who always surprise or plan something big for their birthdays. Well, they seem happy to me. Ironic much since I mentioned it's the thought that counts. But I don't want something big actually. I just want people to remember. :(

I mean I do have friends whom I am very closed to, but they're not the type who'd be the ones remembering all these minor stuff. And this made me feel very sad (perhaps because I expect much). But the thing is, some of them don't even remember when your birthday is.

It hurts when such things happened. I once had a friend who texted me on my birthday complaining to me about some shiaty guy when all I expected a just a simple wishing, Happy Birthday.

Is it really that hard to remember a few numbers just to make someone happy? I mean maybe I expected too much by wanting them to surprise me and all these, but the thought of having to celebrate your birthday alone is super mega ouchie. :(

Furthermore, the worst thing is the person forgot your birthday and ONLY wishes you a Happy Birthday because Facebook 'told' him/her it's their friend's birthday today.

Don't they feel guilty when they actually forgot it's their best friend/good friend birthday that day and yet they even have to DEPEND on a social networking site to remind them?

What type of friend is he/she then?

I am sorry if you feel offended and is one of those Facebook people who ONLY wishes a person Happy Birthday because Facebook 'reminded' you about it but like I mentioned previously, birthdays mean a lot to me and can't I be 'jealous' of people having friends celebrating for them on their birthdays?

I am actually thankful for having cousins who really make me feel special on my birthday.

Last year, they actually planned a surprise for me and met up earlier just to get everything done. When I reached there, they got the cake the present and oh, the heartwarming notes. They bought a 92 paged (Yes I counted) notebook and wrote different short messages in them. I was super shocked and of course touched because one thing is, I thought they wouldn't care and the next thing is (I've never said this before), they are not really my blood cousins.

Stupid thoughts I'd know but I've been keeping these in my heart for very long already. Been wanting to rant them all out but didn't have the time and it's hard to try and get all these words out of my mind. I can't believe I even cried when thinking about all these at night.

***

Next thing up.

I never know I'd blogged about this, I guess many people already blog things similar to this but still I'm gonna blog about it.

Today I saw Syahirah in school and then we started talking.

Talked about how people change. (Yes I've been wanting to say this for a very long time)

How stupidly we believe that people said that secondary school friends will be the ones whose friendship will last. What (sorry for the sudden profanity) FUCKING BULLSHIT.

I am closer with my Primary School Clique like wtf.

I see people in my secondary school change, how they become less easier to approach, how when we meet up, we only said hi and nothing else, how we used to become good friends, but now we're just like acquaintances.

It's quite sad to see things like these happening actually. I thought what people said was true. I thought secondary school friendship will last. I can say I am closer with my JC people then secondary school clique please.

Yes it may be true for the first few months when one enters JC/Poly, how they couldn't get use to their new environments, new classmates. And then we would meet up to complain about how we never treasure the times we had together in secondary school, how we miss gossiping, how we miss the teachers, how we miss life in secondary school. Regret here and there.

Then time passed. Given a few months, things changed. People change. They slowly adapted to their new environment and got closer to their JC friends. They sort of forgot their friendship with the secondary school people and yet the thing is no one is doing anything about it.

People are thinking, if he/she wants to meet up and talk, he/she will initiate it. I will wait for that to happen. Then slowly, from good friends, people become friends. From friends, they become acquaintances. From acquaintances, they become strangers.

I admit people can't help but change. Some for the better (good for them), some... Don't want to talk about it. I've changed too. People who know me well should know. But it depends on which point of view you see it from.

Somehow I think most of my close friends, my clique, they all changed. I am so sad to say not many change for the better. Perhaps I see them from a more negative point of view and I tried to be fair and see it more fairly, but then, to me it's like no difference?

They don't even bother to say hello. When you try very hard to fix a date just so you can hang out and meet up with them, they tell you, 'Oh sorry, I'm not free. I am going out with XXX.' It hurts. I know some of them already got dates with another people, but I feel they are just not 'trying hard enough'.

It's like to them, another meet up, another session of going out. But to me, I see it as a chance, the only chance to keep in touch with the rest so that these friendships will never end/break.

Yet they (the friendships) are like hanging on a thread now, and no one is making an attempt to fix it. They are all too bothered with their current lives and their new found friends to even care a shit about you.

Syahirah told me something I thought was super sad. How people in JJC (from my secondary school) have changed and she said 'One day next year, we might not even sit with each other in the morning before morning assembly anymore.'

We (The Kranji 4C'08 people) always 'meet up' and sit together to talk at the very same spot every morning before morning assembly. The thought of the thing she said that might happen is very horrible. I shudder to even think about it.

When I ended the conversation with Syahirah, I feel very sad. Like I wanna cry and just screw everything. Why do things always turn out shiatty? :(

Tomorrow's my birthday and I feel nothing at all. It'd be just like any other day I suppose. Can't wait for it to be OVER.

Fuck everything.